RIP Laoshu50500

So in 2019 when I was attending Japanese lessons I got really into languages and the novelty of watching people speaking a foreign language quickly grew on me especially Mandarin (Don't ask me why, I just enjoy it).

That's when I found a couple of interesting channels like Laoshu50500, XiaomaNYC, BlondieInChina, etc. and from time to time I'd watch their contents

Just found out yesterday that Laoshu has since passed due to unforeseen circumstances related to heart complications. Suffice to say it was indeed a big shock.

To be honest yeah the dude's not REALLY considered "fluent" from the viewpoint of the language learning community (really, just stock conversation starters).

But in his defense he's always stated that his goal is just to be more approachable to non-English speakers and watch their reaction as they light up seeing an American speak their native language, and in the process encourage other people to pick up a new language and hopefully able to see other cultures in a new light.

God knows we need more of that wholesomeness in these super partisan times.

RIP Laoshu. #LevelUp

Cut

You know these moments.

You're having the time of your life, finally having the time and opportunity to do whatever the hell you want, however the way you wanna do it, and, like, totally enjoying the process.

You savour these moments because it's so goddamn rare to have that opportunity in the first place.

And when everything goes swell, out comes something so unexpected that it absolutely takes away everything before it, and leaving a bit of a sour taste.

Yeah, we call it potong steam.

And I just had mine cut off.

And I am freaking pissed right now goddammit.

Floating

I am now in a position where they called it the Peter Principle...or so I think I am......

It's been a good 19 months already since I joined the company and started the working life.

The company's good, I admit....good perks and benefits, great salary and allowances......and they're addressing the work-life balance issue too...well good for them...

Just that....at this stage, I feel that I should grow already, to take up new things, to venture out, to step out of my comfort zone and try something different...

Not still coding, patching, releasing...those are great things too, don't get me wrong.....I feel like I wanna manage, man....u know...train others.....

It's one of those resolution things I made during a training workshop attended last month that made me really really think about myself and where I wanna go and who I wanna be.....

Unfortunately, my skills still suck...my mouth still can't shut up at the right time....and my people skills are deteriorating.....

Damn it, what a bad time to encounter all this when they just welcomed me to the team leader meeting......

And there's still so much so much more to learn.....

I'm floating now....need to grow, yet still feeling a sense of arrested development....

I need help.

Stuck

It seems that I am now blogging on a monthly basis.

Oh god, I hate that.

Hate it hate it hate it......

Used to be able to blog everyday, but not anymore....one of the reasons is because of work...another is because the house leader moved out of the house and cancelled the TMnet registration, which left us stuck with no phone line......which leads to me needing the Orange cafe so badly almost everyday......

I can't write in complete sentences anymore....fucking Neanderthal....

Sometimes even I don't know what to blog about, or write about....

Or what I want in life......

Jesus Mary Joseph........

I'm stuck......

Can't get it out of my head

I can't seem to control it anymore....

Every day....night and day...i keep thinking about her.....

To the point that it's becoming an unhealthy obsession....or rather observation......

Try as I may I have always separated business with pleasure....but I'm really afraid that this time it will have a severe effect on my work...at least on my focus and concentration......

Still, I hope I'm not gonna lose it.......

I'm writing this after having one of the most ridiculously sweet and tender dreams last night on relationship....it's still vividly alive in my memory.....I normally forget my dreams as soon as I wake up...but not this one.....

When...when should be the good time to spill it out to her......


Oh just sod it, you piece of shit....

Burnout

I used to think that I am a cheerful person.

You know, the happy-go-lucky type. No matter the situation, I could always remain positive and unfazed. Well, not to the point of being overly-positive, but you get the point.

But I'm not so sure now.

Ever since working (it's a full year already) I find myself...not quite myself anymore. Maybe it's the long working hours. Maybe it's the tense environment. Or the fact that I just like to enjoy life and relax.

But lately I am becoming more and more depressed and confused.

I have become more cynical towards all things.

I complaint more and more.

I find myself seldom interacting with the colleagues anymore. I don't know why.

I sometimes eat in large portion just to indulge myself after working so hard. It doesn't help my ego that this has contributed to my ever expanding waistline goddammit...

For the past 4 months, my daily routine for dinner has been eating with colleagues before returning to office for a couple of hours work, or eating at mamak stalls after taking the SECOND LAST train back home.

I have only met those former college mates a few times since July.

I sometimes need to work on Saturday and even Sunday, not because my boss summons me back, but because there's so much bloody fucking work to finish off.

Most of my friends work 8 hours a day, 40 hours a week. Well, I work 60 hours a week.

NOT INCLUDING SATURDAY AND SUNDAY.

And they tell me they are tired.

I want my life back.

One Step Closer

More than ever before, this LP song resonates the current shithole that I've been dumped in.

I cannot take this anymore
I'm saying everything I've said before
All these words they make no sense
I find bliss in ignorance
Less I hear the less you'll say
But you'll find that out anyway

Just like before...

Everything you say to me
Takes me one step closer to the edge
And I'm about to break
I need a little room to breathe
Cause I'm one step closer to the edge
And I'm about to break

I find the answers aren't so clear
Wish I could find a way to disappear
All these thoughts they make no sense
I find bliss in ignorance
Nothing seems to go away
Over and over again

Everything you say to me
Takes me one step closer to the edge
And I'm about to break
I need a little room to breathe
Cause I'm one step closer to the edge
And I'm about to break

Shut up when I'm talking to you
Shut up, shut up, shut up

I’m about to break!

Now if you'll excuse me I have to go fuck myself to cool down.