Cut

You know these moments.

You're having the time of your life, finally having the time and opportunity to do whatever the hell you want, however the way you wanna do it, and, like, totally enjoying the process.

You savour these moments because it's so goddamn rare to have that opportunity in the first place.

And when everything goes swell, out comes something so unexpected that it absolutely takes away everything before it, and leaving a bit of a sour taste.

Yeah, we call it potong steam.

And I just had mine cut off.

And I am freaking pissed right now goddammit.

Stuck

It seems that I am now blogging on a monthly basis.

Oh god, I hate that.

Hate it hate it hate it......

Used to be able to blog everyday, but not anymore....one of the reasons is because of work...another is because the house leader moved out of the house and cancelled the TMnet registration, which left us stuck with no phone line......which leads to me needing the Orange cafe so badly almost everyday......

I can't write in complete sentences anymore....fucking Neanderthal....

Sometimes even I don't know what to blog about, or write about....

Or what I want in life......

Jesus Mary Joseph........

I'm stuck......

Dematerialized

Haven't update the blog for quite some time...but nothing interesting lately...

Chinese New Year was as usual...lost in Blackjack games to the other cousins...dammit...

The relatives are pushing me to get a girl...been the butt of joke the whole CNY....christ just gimme a break...I also need time...

Been busy on project and developments lately...still learning the securities system while doing coding at the same time...

Let's see if the planned gathering with the primary school mates can still materialize...

Gotta keep check to plan ahead for the Cambodia trip already...

And I just realize I bloody need a girl...am that desperate...hah...

very pathetic......

Burnout

I used to think that I am a cheerful person.

You know, the happy-go-lucky type. No matter the situation, I could always remain positive and unfazed. Well, not to the point of being overly-positive, but you get the point.

But I'm not so sure now.

Ever since working (it's a full year already) I find myself...not quite myself anymore. Maybe it's the long working hours. Maybe it's the tense environment. Or the fact that I just like to enjoy life and relax.

But lately I am becoming more and more depressed and confused.

I have become more cynical towards all things.

I complaint more and more.

I find myself seldom interacting with the colleagues anymore. I don't know why.

I sometimes eat in large portion just to indulge myself after working so hard. It doesn't help my ego that this has contributed to my ever expanding waistline goddammit...

For the past 4 months, my daily routine for dinner has been eating with colleagues before returning to office for a couple of hours work, or eating at mamak stalls after taking the SECOND LAST train back home.

I have only met those former college mates a few times since July.

I sometimes need to work on Saturday and even Sunday, not because my boss summons me back, but because there's so much bloody fucking work to finish off.

Most of my friends work 8 hours a day, 40 hours a week. Well, I work 60 hours a week.

NOT INCLUDING SATURDAY AND SUNDAY.

And they tell me they are tired.

I want my life back.

Missed

How is it possible that everytime I had planned something in advance, work will always take priority and caused said plan to be void at the very last minute?

I don't mind working on Saturdays.

I don't mind burning the "deserved" comp leave from working on said Saturday.

Heck, I don't even mind working on other issues until my own project got stalled. (not blaming anyone here ok...)

What I mind is, I missed out a WHOLE LOTTA things just because my sense of responsibility takes over my other priorities.

I missed out on basketball practice on Tuesdays. (not that I'm good anyway)

I missed out on CSR activities every time there is one...is there a bloody conspiracy to arrange to put me on duty everytime there is such said activities?

I missed out 2 whole months of movie watching......I am a movie lover, can't help it...

I missed out important family gatherings and makans......

I missed out on friend's birthday parties......

AND I FREAKING MISSED OUT A 10 YEAR REUNION DINNER WITH SECONDARY SCHOOL MATES OK......I was fucking pissed at that...those mates, didn't had the chance to meet since I moved to KLIA...and now...

Shit......

This job has taught me that in life, there are a lot of compromises....

Just that it's not good to always compromise yourself...

Yeah, it's a selfish thought...I don't care......

90 days

3 months.

3. Freaking. Months.

Without a post.

Even I couldn't believe it.

That is so not me...

The past 90 days has been a helluva ride for me...stuck in program-dom with high pressure customer chasers and getting a mouthful from the seniors.

Why the fuck got so many production problem....kanasai......

It ain't fun working more than 12 hours a day ok...the body can only take so much.

It didn't help that the wireless connection in my home was and still is shaky...had to resort to jacking other people's wireless network to go online or it's a trip to T-Bun.

Which is one of the reason this blog was "vacant" for 3 months. That, and I DON'T HAVE FREAKING TIME.

I need extra 8 hours a day...just to go back home and relax and do my stuff......

Not working til 11pm every goddamn day and only have time for papers and supper and sleep.

I know complaining ain't helping...and a whole lot of people has been through that...and with the constant mantra "The first 2 years of work is the most critical" and shit...but still.......

I WANT TIME.

One Step Closer

More than ever before, this LP song resonates the current shithole that I've been dumped in.

I cannot take this anymore
I'm saying everything I've said before
All these words they make no sense
I find bliss in ignorance
Less I hear the less you'll say
But you'll find that out anyway

Just like before...

Everything you say to me
Takes me one step closer to the edge
And I'm about to break
I need a little room to breathe
Cause I'm one step closer to the edge
And I'm about to break

I find the answers aren't so clear
Wish I could find a way to disappear
All these thoughts they make no sense
I find bliss in ignorance
Nothing seems to go away
Over and over again

Everything you say to me
Takes me one step closer to the edge
And I'm about to break
I need a little room to breathe
Cause I'm one step closer to the edge
And I'm about to break

Shut up when I'm talking to you
Shut up, shut up, shut up

I’m about to break!

Now if you'll excuse me I have to go fuck myself to cool down.