Burnout

I used to think that I am a cheerful person.

You know, the happy-go-lucky type. No matter the situation, I could always remain positive and unfazed. Well, not to the point of being overly-positive, but you get the point.

But I'm not so sure now.

Ever since working (it's a full year already) I find myself...not quite myself anymore. Maybe it's the long working hours. Maybe it's the tense environment. Or the fact that I just like to enjoy life and relax.

But lately I am becoming more and more depressed and confused.

I have become more cynical towards all things.

I complaint more and more.

I find myself seldom interacting with the colleagues anymore. I don't know why.

I sometimes eat in large portion just to indulge myself after working so hard. It doesn't help my ego that this has contributed to my ever expanding waistline goddammit...

For the past 4 months, my daily routine for dinner has been eating with colleagues before returning to office for a couple of hours work, or eating at mamak stalls after taking the SECOND LAST train back home.

I have only met those former college mates a few times since July.

I sometimes need to work on Saturday and even Sunday, not because my boss summons me back, but because there's so much bloody fucking work to finish off.

Most of my friends work 8 hours a day, 40 hours a week. Well, I work 60 hours a week.

NOT INCLUDING SATURDAY AND SUNDAY.

And they tell me they are tired.

I want my life back.

Missed

How is it possible that everytime I had planned something in advance, work will always take priority and caused said plan to be void at the very last minute?

I don't mind working on Saturdays.

I don't mind burning the "deserved" comp leave from working on said Saturday.

Heck, I don't even mind working on other issues until my own project got stalled. (not blaming anyone here ok...)

What I mind is, I missed out a WHOLE LOTTA things just because my sense of responsibility takes over my other priorities.

I missed out on basketball practice on Tuesdays. (not that I'm good anyway)

I missed out on CSR activities every time there is one...is there a bloody conspiracy to arrange to put me on duty everytime there is such said activities?

I missed out 2 whole months of movie watching......I am a movie lover, can't help it...

I missed out important family gatherings and makans......

I missed out on friend's birthday parties......

AND I FREAKING MISSED OUT A 10 YEAR REUNION DINNER WITH SECONDARY SCHOOL MATES OK......I was fucking pissed at that...those mates, didn't had the chance to meet since I moved to KLIA...and now...

Shit......

This job has taught me that in life, there are a lot of compromises....

Just that it's not good to always compromise yourself...

Yeah, it's a selfish thought...I don't care......

90 days

3 months.

3. Freaking. Months.

Without a post.

Even I couldn't believe it.

That is so not me...

The past 90 days has been a helluva ride for me...stuck in program-dom with high pressure customer chasers and getting a mouthful from the seniors.

Why the fuck got so many production problem....kanasai......

It ain't fun working more than 12 hours a day ok...the body can only take so much.

It didn't help that the wireless connection in my home was and still is shaky...had to resort to jacking other people's wireless network to go online or it's a trip to T-Bun.

Which is one of the reason this blog was "vacant" for 3 months. That, and I DON'T HAVE FREAKING TIME.

I need extra 8 hours a day...just to go back home and relax and do my stuff......

Not working til 11pm every goddamn day and only have time for papers and supper and sleep.

I know complaining ain't helping...and a whole lot of people has been through that...and with the constant mantra "The first 2 years of work is the most critical" and shit...but still.......

I WANT TIME.

SICK

I'm sick.

Exhausted, whole body is tired. No energy.

The body has finally taken its toll. Probably due to working late for the past few weeks.

And definitely due to the snacks and fast foods and those more-than-RM10-above lunch sets that I took during lunchtime. Gotta cut away from those....

So since yesterday I was home, took a 2 day MC, coz the almost-fever came back in the evening yesterday after I almost recovered. This morning's heavy rain doesn't help either. No point risk getting wet and sick again.

And the haze...the freakin haze...is back. I can barely see KLCC from my window.

So...like I said, I stayed home all day since yesterday, save for going to grab something to eat, and, you know, spent the a few hours contemplating on my life, reevaluate my priorities, ponder on life-work balance, what I should so with the remaining days of my core leave after getting back from Indonesia....

You know, heavy stuff. Yada yada yada.

This, after I almost screw up my mid year appraisal by not remembering any good or outstanding things/performance that could've help me in the ratings. Luckily my mentor Fish helped me out a lot during the review. Really, really appreaciate it, thanks a million Fish!

Also, finally finish reading Fight Club that I've bought since late April. The "Afterword" section was pretty creepy, where the author imagined himself a victim of some real life fight club homework assignment and the rest of the world has obsessed over the novel so much so that life-imitates-art. Yeah, it took me three months to finish a 200+ page novel. But I've been busy with work you know...I could only read on the way back home everynight in the shaky LRT.

Oh yeah, while sick at home, I spent the whole day online.

Like I said, I seriously gotta reevaluate my priorities.

The past 2 months

Holy moly, I was MIA for the past 2 months, my longest period ever. Here's a short, non-chronological recap, for anyone who bothers:

After 6 months of probation I received the job confirmation. Salary increased by 5%. Like, wow.

I bought Muse's "Origin Of Symmetry" album for RM32.90, and has sinced hooked on Citizen Erased everyday at work.

Watched a few movies that includes Spider-Man 3, Sumolah, Blades Of Glory, Pirates 3, Hot Fuzz and Transformers.
Most Enjoyable: Hot Fuzz
Most Meaningful: Sumolah
Suckiest of the lot: Spider-Man 3

I attended 4 weddings in the span of ONE month during May: Colleague's wedding, Alex's colleague's wedding, my college mate NC's wedding, and Dad's once-removed cousin's wedding (Apparently Synical was also dining at the same restaurant in Jaya Supermarket at that time. Didn't see her though, but did manage to exhange some SMS)

The company's CEO was retiring to London, attended the farewell dinner held at KLCC Convention Center, which had some great food at the event.

Dad had a minor operation on the nose to remove some smelly mucus. Nothing biggie. He recovered well, and me and Alex also had a check up. (We Pangs have nose problems dammit)

Had a mini-gathering with the ex-classmates from LJMU. Eric called and invited. Julie was there and so was Jess. Billy came 45 minutes late. Had some laughs in the Wangsa Maju Kopitiam, but the food bloody sucks.
Couldn't make it for a latter gathering a week later though, the one with Heng's farewell.
Total Surprise: Got to know Jess's totally hot younger sis Tanya.

Oh yeah, also bought Travis's "The Boy With No Name", 70% of the songs were listenable which is really quite a feat. First half of the album was more enjoyable though.
Recommended listens: 3 Times And You Lose, Closer, Eyes Wide Open, Under The Moonlight

*****

It's about 3AM now, I'm almost stoned. Getting too high from working.

Working everyday til late night isn't very healthy.

You got no time to do your own stuff anymore.

You don't have time for papers.

You don't have time for laundry.

You don't have time for socializing.

You don't even have time to shit.

But you know something's very wrong when sometimes, just sometimes only, for a little moment, you actually enjoy working so late.

Damn psycho.

SAT.

Call Center.

Securities.

Syncs.

Releases.

Maintenance.

Support.

UAT.

Batches.

Corporate pressure.

I'm almost sick of it all.

Overloaded.

Exhausted.

Cannot tahan liao.
3 languages in a sentence. The beauty of Manglish.

The anarchist in me is wating to get out.


I am Jack's Surpressed Rage.